i want you and you are not here

yesterday i did the unthinkable, i texted him: "i'm not sure there's any point in us continuing to see each other. what do you think?"

and he emailed two hours later: "hey, just read your text. if you feel that way then that's fine. i am in an all day event today"

i had wanted to speak to him. i had wanted to ask him if he actually likes me and wants to see me, to tell him i sometimes wondered how much he liked me. because i miss him, yet don't feel connection with him between the one time we see each other each week, during the weekend. that i feel like i can't email/text him because i don't really want to disturb his life, his routine. and i'm frustrated that he never picks up when i call.

i had wanted to say i want you but i'm scared. do you want me too?

i had tried calling him and he didn't pick up, so finally texted, and it came out all wrong. i suppose he doesn't like me enough anyway to have so readily accepted it. and i would've destroyed it all in the long run with my neuroses and my crazy fear of things falling apart. better to get out earlier than later.

it's strange and funny in a way... how uncertainties, lack of communication, pride, insecurities can so easily and quickly twist something young, sweet and hopeful out of shape.